Friday 9 April 2010

Searching for perfection

I used to be someone who was grateful if they just had one sugar under 10 per day or sometimes, per week. I remember days of waking up with sugars of 21 and knowing that today would be another day lost to a disease I couldn't control. I remember spending those days gulping my hours away on endless cups of water, diet coke and sugar free juice, because no matter how many gallons I swallowed, barely allowing it to touch the sides of my mouth, I would still be thirsty. I remember being tired, sluggish, emotional and feeling guilty. Guilty about the fact I wasn't doing it 'right'. Guilty that I was risking having complications, even though I was trying as hard as I could. Any diabetic knows that if you run high for a couple of days, you feel too tired to muster the strength to go for a walk, or even stay awake. Imagine that for two weeks, two months, or for some people, 2 years.

Each day since I have been on the pump, my sugars have improved. Steadily and slowly, but surely. The first week was a nightmare. More hypos than I could shake a carton of juice at and more highs that I could face without the guilt and worry creeping back in. But then, week 2 saw the era of the magic number 7. Throughout the morning I would be seven. Throughout the afternoon, I would still have high sugars, but over time these too have subsided. I now have not had a hypo for 2 weeks and I haven't had a sugar near the twenties for 4 days. Instead of praying for sugars under 10, I am now surprised when they nudge their way over. And most of those ones that are creeping up are admittedly down to my own miscalculation or under-bolusing. Not that even that is my fault. After all, I'm not a mind- (or body-) reader. I'm still mostly human, apart from the robot attached to my hip.

But the main thing is I am now, for the first time in as long as I can remember, starting to strive to have every sugar below 10mmol. I have gone from having 66% of my sugars in the 'red' according to my glucose software. Now I am hitting my target or below 58% of the time. It's not perfect yet, but in the past 3 days, I have not even approached 15. Something that seemed to come naturally for many years. Each day I nudge my way down that little bit further. Today, I was 10 when I woke up, and that has been the highest. I've had 6's, 8's and 5's, but no twenties. And I try to remind myself whenever Mr Hyde tries to nudge those sugars up, that it's only been three weeks.

There is still a long way to go, but being able to test my sugar and know that a ten is now the higher end of the scale rather than the ray of light it once was, makes me feel hopeful and perhaps most importantly - more in control. Eventually I aim to be at 6 as often as possible. But for now, I'll be happy to take anything under 10. The 6's will come, of that I'm sure. But baby steps suit me just fine.

Anna, 9.5

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